I'm so fucking centered right now
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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