you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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