I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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