then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
