my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
