Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
