I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Two words: nipple clamps
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