Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
