I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
