Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
