mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
17 year olds will be the death of me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
