My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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