I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
