I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I stole a fireplace last night.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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