My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
