I accidentally had phone sex last night
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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