Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
