oh god the rape fog is back!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
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I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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