I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
