I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
