Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
