wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
