hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
