Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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