I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
