And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
