I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
