3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Sorry about my life...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
