i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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