Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
