my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
