There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
