umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
