just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
