Please, let me fuck your mom
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
