Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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