Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
