hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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