hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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