I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
