The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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