totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
