Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me