her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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