I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
