Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
