the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
