k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sex in the backyard? Check.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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