chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
