Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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