If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
