Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
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Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
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Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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