Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
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When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
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Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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