After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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