Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
