He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
