Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
