Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
