and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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