my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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