I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
