you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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