just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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